With a week to go until the end of the world, there are a lot of Brooklyn hipsters frantically running around buying alcohol, Red Bull, and cocaine for their big doomsday parties. There are also a lot of people who are seriously worried that the Mayans, a people who used to rip the hearts out of their living for the sun god, have in fact predicted the end of the world.
The panic is evident through massive sales in underground shelters and a rapid rise in one way flights to Sirince, Turkey, and Bugarach, France, places deemed to be “safe” when the world implodes.
That got me thinking. If we are stuck by one of the countless disasters that would end the world as we know it, what country would be the best place to be?
Aside from winning the lottery, and backpacking the world, one of the things I love to fantasize about is survival situations. This week, I have spent an unhealthy amount of time watching the History Channels Doomsday shows. In them, they illustrate every possible yet implausible way the world will eat it.
Based on the theories of the History Channel and my runaway survival experiences in around 50 countries, below you will find the best countries to be in to survive every doomsday scenario.
1) Disaster: Deep Impact from an Asteroid, Meteor, or Comet (Can’t rule it out)
Safest Country: Nepal!
This one is kind of a no brainer, but if an asteroid plunges into the ocean and creates a massive tsunami, you can’t get much better altitudinal protection than the highlands and Himalayas of Nepal.
Least Safest Country: The Maldives.
Why? It’s one of the smallest and flattest archipelagoes in the world.
2) Disaster: A Doomsday Bubonic Plague such as a renewal of Small Pox (Actually somewhat probable)
Safest Country: Norway!
If small pox hits, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere but Norway. Why? Norway has on of the best free health care establishments in the world. It also has a high doctor to citizen ratio. Moreover, it’s low population density and relative isolation from Europe means small pox is going to have a difficult time spreading.
Least safest country: India.
Why? It’s hot, pretty unsanitary, and highly populated, ideal for transmitting the plague.
3) Disaster: Solar Flare, EMP, or Nuclear War (Most Likely)
Safest Country: Northern Norway!
This year marks the beginning of a solar maximum, meaning we are likely to see increased levels of radioactive atomic particles, notably gamma rays, which have the ability to irrevocably destroy our iphone 5’s and mac books among other things. If this were to happen, society would destroy itself within weeks. So why Northern Norway? For one, you will be at a perfect latitude to view the most spectacular aurora borealis seen in ages. Plus, when society is in chaos, there are plenty of isolated and salmon filled fjords that you can survive in.
Least Safest Country: South Korea!
Why? Millions of Starcraft and internet addicts going through violent withdrawal.
4) Disaster: Zombie Apocalypse (Highly unlikely but could be fun)
Safest Country: Northern Canada!
If the world is overrun by zombies, I can’t imagine Canadian zombies would be all that bad ehh? Plus Northern Canada is very sparsely populated and I imagine a lot of people carry hunting weapons, perfect for killing zombies.
Least Safest Country: China!
Why? Simple, just imagine 1.4 billion zombies.
5) Disaster: If the Earth collides with Planet X, Nemisis Sister Sun, or Planet Nibiru.
Safest Country: The Vatican, Saudi Arabia, Jerusalem, Istanbul, Lumbini, or any other holy center.
When the earth is slowly torn in half, there is nothing to do but loot, fornicate, eat popcorn or pray.
The Final Result
The way I see it, the best country to be in no matter what disaster hits earth is Norway. Granted, being 1/2 Norwegian makes me a bit biased, but on nearly every count, Norway offers the best chances for survival. It is isolated, it has an abundance of fish and deep cold water crabs and it’s population is low. Moreover, Norwegians like their viking ancestors know how to live off the land, they have one of the largest and most protected seed vaults, as well as high fjords to avoid tsunamis. And if there is no chance of survival wouldn’t you rather go out drinking Akvavit and looking out of a beautiful view such as this one? Lucky for me and you, you’re all welcome to stay at my family’s house on an isolated island in the north of Norway. Just don’t forget the Cognac and Akvavit!
Is the World Going to End?
These predictions seem to happen every 10 years or so, so I’m pretty sure the world isn’t going to end.
But I do know one thing for sure,
a LOT of babies are going to be conceived this week.
GOOD LUCK and Remember the Rubbers!